ALL GOOD DAYS AHEAD
The saying goes that “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone”… but we all knew what we had all along. It seems almost impossible to put my feelings about her into words, but at the same time I could talk about my Grandma for hours. She was a storybook grandmother; almost too perfect to exist outside of a fairytale. Sweet, gentle, happy, and kind towards every living thing be it person, pet, or plant. Never has a woman been more worthy of the title of matriarch. My forever inspiration. All the greatness that flourished out from her is rooted in the simple fact that above all else, she was a mother. Her family, their friends, their neighbours, their partners, their children, their children’s children… all her babies. A humble mother goose that found her greatest joy in just watching everyone. And I mean everyone, and everything. Weddings, graduations, birthdays, hockey games, school recitals, holidays, barbecues… she was everywhere. Even with six children, thirteen grandchildren, and sixteen great-grandchildren she was everywhere. It was impossible to pay for your own cup of coffee because she was up at the till with her change purse before you’d even ordered. No fireworks or flashing lights, instead her presence was like a heartbeat. Consistent, calming and safe. Like the warm feeling that sits in the air on Christmas morning.
The hardest part of all that, is that we will miss her everywhere. All of us; her family. It’s a loss that I imagine none of us will ever fully recover from. A piece of our deepest joy will forever be lost in her absence. Things change. Life happens. People come and go. Life goes on. But this? This was something not even ninety years with her could have prepared us for. Life without her, almost doesn’t make sense and in an illogical way I thought it would never happen. I thought she’d live forever because no amount of time together could ever be enough time.
It’s a heartbreak eased only by having the deepest gratitude for what she meant to all of us. It’s only now that I truly understand what she was doing; showing up everywhere. Calling to thank you for the thank you card you’d sent, remembering absolutely everyone’s birthday, paying for your coffee, staring at you a minute longer after a hug. She lived her life each and everyday as the embodiment of pure love. She wasn’t just the foundation of this family, she’s the essence of our bond. People tell me all the time that they’ve never met a family like mine. A family tree with the branches of an old oak, all because two people fell in love. No matter distance or the size we grow to, there’s a closeness to us and it’s rooted in the love that she constantly bathed us all in. The way she’d tell you the things she loved about you while holding both your hands in hers, and how she’d talk to you on your voicemail as if you were right there listening. The way she loved the sunshine on her skin, and a morning walk no matter what the season. The way she’d smile at you every time she saw you, and how she’d never leave without saying goodbye. Each and every single one of us knows true love because of her. She is the love we have for one another, and that’s where she’ll forever be present. That’s where she’ll stay.
She had a goodness, deep inside her that constantly radiated out and made the world around her a better place. Anyone who knew her could only ever wish her health, happiness and joy, but most of all peace. That’s why, even if it breaks our hearts to say goodbye, it’s okay for her to go now because more than anything she deserves peace. On the surface it may seem like an awful time to lose someone so cherished, but in reality it’s almost poetic. For the rest of our lives we’ll spend this time of year wrapped up in the warmth of the season, comforted by our memories, and most importantly… together. It is truly all she ever wanted.
I’ll carry my own memories of her with me through life. The house on Harley street, and that one rain storm that made a puddle so big it felt like we were swimming in it. The snails in her flower gardens. The way she always seemed to be wearing an apron. The moon-shaped cookies with the walnuts and fruit sugar. Watching the deer from her balcony on Fiddlers Green. The story about the robin on her windowsill. Sleepovers watching Elvis movies. Saturday coffee at Cherryhill. The look on her face when she held each of my babies. Our last goodbye to one another.
She would always say “All good days ahead”. And although it’s hard to comprehend that a single day after her could possibly be described as good, I’ll carry her words with me. Believing in them and trusting in them as I always have, and following the light she left in all of our hearts.
If you’re reading this and you knew her, or any one of us and feel like you want to do something… smile when you greet people, tell people the things you love about them while holding both of their hands, pay for someone’s coffee, sit in the sunshine, never leave without saying goodbye. Be a moment of light in someone else’s day so that even in the smallest way, because of her, there will always be… all good days ahead.
