BEEN THERE DONE THAT BODY
After a successful pregnancy and delivery, it’s hard to not go into pregnancy #2 with a confident “I’ve got this” mindset. But boy oh boy does that wear off quickly! It’s no secret that I loved being pregnant, and actually spent a majority of it feeling the most body positive I’d ever felt in my life. A huge part of me welcomed the idea of bringing back my maternity clothes and rocking my bump out in a bikini. The truth is, the second time around hits a little different. The most obvious difference being the toddler you’re chasing around while coping with all those first trimester joys like spontaneous nausea, extreme fatigue, and feeling like you’re made of cement. But it was the physical changes that really seemed to strike a different chord with me, (at least initially).
My bump definitely debuted wayyyy faster. I made strange attempts to tell myself it was most likely an initial bloat that would go down before the real deal, when in reality it was the real deal. At eight weeks I was already looking at my boobs with a visceral “what the fuck” face. I’ve run into a lot of the same pregnancy symptoms, but they’ve come in different extremes and at different times. With Lou I threw up everything, consistently throughout the day like clockwork. I had a window between 11-2 to get in some kind of a lunch, and then it was back to hugging porcelain. This time around, I have inconsistent and all over the map food aversions to anything and everything. One minute I’m asking for seconds of a pasta that tastes so satisfying, and the next minute I’m throwing it up so violently I break blood vessels on my face and throw out my neck. Bipolar nausea, if I had to give it a name. My reflux started early too, and came on a lot stronger. I don’t think I ever had heartburn before I carried babies, but going to bed with a bottle of Tums is my life now.
Aside from feeling bigger… I mostly felt like everything was lower. As if my body was judgementally saying “this again”, and to be honest it was a little disheartening. It’s the same way a 30-something year old mother who nursed looks at a 20-something year old with perky tits. You tangibly feel how your body has crossed over into a postpartum reality that never goes away. You’ll look at pictures of yourself and internally see your body as either “before baby” or “after baby”. All the body positivity and love for your child and pride in motherhood in the world can make that easier to accept and own, but every so often it can still feel a bit like shit and that’s okay. It’s okay to miss your perky tits. The strange part of this all, that I wasn’t expecting, was that I found myself looking at my first pregnancy body that way. I caught myself comparing my smooth first baby, second trimester bump with my pre-stretched, bump-not-bloat first trimester tummy. I found myself conflicted with knowing I had loved my first pregnancy experience and feeling so unsure about this one. How cruel of me to do that to myself?
People’s opinions don’t help. Do they ever, really? I remember waiting in line for a coffee when I was pregnant with Lou, feeling the ‘glow’ everyone talks about, and having a woman ask me when I was due. My answer instantly put a look of shock on her face and she quickly responded with “Wow! You’re huge!” What. The. Fuck. I hated that she felt okay to say that out loud, and even more so I hated that it affected me. I was feeling great and one latte later I’m hanging my head in some twisted state of shame. It was this weird turning point for me and I really had to exercise my mental health to get myself back to a good place. Part of what got me over it was directing my frustration at society and how we’ve made people feel like it’s remotely okay to say such a thing. Often times people just say those things cause it’s ‘what they say’ and who even are they. Then, low and behold, the same thing happened with this pregnancy. Just as we’d returned from the cottage feeling rested and content, with my bump smooth and sun-kissed, I got another one of those comments. “Are you sure it’s not twins?” I felt enraged to go into a lecture about how November is only less than three months away, and a woman is actually pregnant for 40 weeks, and I’ve only put on 12lbs this pregnancy, so are you just calling me fat? blah blah blah. Useless and unnecessary justifications for a comment that truly held so substance or ill will, it’s just what people say. Also, even if I’d put on 50lbs the comment still isn’t warranted. So… can we stop saying it? In this era of society being hyper-cautious not to offend anyone about anything… who forgot about the pregnant people!? My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in the spring and I noticed how every time we get together, the first thing Chris does is tell her how good she looks. Not in a way that makes it feel like a societal expectation, just in a subtle way to make her feel as good as she deserves to be feeling for growing, birthing, and now nursing a human being. Let’s aim for that; telling mothers they look amazing without any implication of an expectation.
My first ride on the prenatal body positivity roller coaster with Lou, had these experiences ringing familiar and that made it easier to reference my old coping mechanisms for quickly getting back to a place where I love my body. Despite my WTF moments, I still love being pregnant. I love fitted outfits that show off each and every curve the little life inside me has given me. I love strolling down the beach in a bikini and letting the sun shine on my belly. No I’m not going to “pop any minute” and no it’s not “definitely twins”, but I love positive comments about my pregnant body. Yes, I have “popped” and yes that is my “belly button poking through” my shirt. I love my body for what it’s done, what it continues to accomplish each day, and for whatever lies ahead. I may still need the odd reminder, and I may look back on pre-baby photos and miss different things about my body. The truth about this journey is, it’s all okay. There is no societal expectation worth your worry. You’re allowed to feel your lows, just don’t forget to waddle back to a state of self-love with your head held high and revel in every moment you feel beautiful.
