A BUMP FAREWELL

You may have noticed an increase in my content lately. There’s a few reasons, one of them being that I feel more inspired and passionate about certain topics (blame hormones), but I think the biggest reason can be summed up by emotional procrastination. Deep down I know I’ve put off writing this, because I feel like this is goodbye. 

I’m not good with goodbyes, I mourn the end of life’s chapters. I’ve never been one to rush to the next phase because I know that when it’s over, no matter how challenging, I’ll miss it in one way or another.

I feel a sense of unease entering into life after my pregnancies. Regardless of the hip pains and mom guilt, I honestly love being pregnant. I love the entire process so much so that (get ready for the curveball) I even loved giving birth and revelled a bit in postpartum. I know it’s not the norm (just by the looks on the faces of people I say it to) but the truth is, nothing has made me feel more woman and more like my life has a purpose beyond myself. This isn’t to say that any woman without kids (or who hated pregnancy) is any less woman, it’s just what’s made my sense of self flourish and evolve into something greater than I ever imagined. 

The discomfort, even in the aftermath, is all temporary. For me, there is something about it that’s incredibly natural; you’re consumed by a sense of acceptance and respect for your own strength and vulnerability. Yes it’s trauma and recovery for your body, but it’s like nothing else that anyone goes through. An injury or accident feels like a mistreatment, but this is somehow more of an amazement. It’s a mindset shift for sure… but I recommend it. If you can get to that place it actually is a magical time and even if it’s painful, you may look back on it fondly. I certainly do.

As the end of this journey nears, I’m painfully aware of that fact. My heart is clutching each sensation of you so tightly because I know a part of me will forever long for these moments. The flutters, the sound of your heartbeat, the wave of you rolling across me. It’s so otherworldly, yet so natural. People do it everyday (which in itself is a hard concept to grasp) but something about being in that cloud of love yourself feels superior to anything that anyone else could have ever felt.

I’ve stretched so much more and had so much less time for any sort of belly skincare routine. My hip pain is ever-present, rarely letting up throughout the day. It’s hard to eat a meal without feeling so bloated. My left thigh is often numb. I’m always tired. You tend to dance the most at night, and it’s so hard to fall asleep when all I want to do is feel you. On paper, it would be easy to say that neither of my pregnancies have been categorically easy. And still… I’ve loved it and can say that every bit of you is worth it. The most beautiful I’ve ever felt has been when I’ve carried my children. There’s something about the shape my body takes that’s so empowering.

And then there’s you. The wonder that surrounds who you are and this feeling that you’re the last piece of our complete family, makes my heart race. The name game, your sister’s hand on my belly, the baby bets, the excitement and anticipation… all for you. You’re going to be so loved, and I have no doubt of the adventure life will be for you. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for this experience we’ve shared. You aren’t even here and I’m in complete awe of you. But oh… will I miss you. For the rest of my life I’ll long for these days.

So for now, let’s just stay a little while longer. In this moment, safe and together.