MY BUMP JOURNEY
My pregnancy journey officially started on a snowy afternoon in January. I was a few days late (about four or five) and wasn’t letting myself get too excited as I’d been late several times before. We’d been trying to get pregnant for eight months, give or take. We took a month off because my sister was getting married in the summer, and with my ovulation dates one cycle landed me an approximate due date on the day of her wedding. I could see it happening, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness childbirth… wait, what?” Throughout the journey I tried my best to relax and not put too much pressure on myself, because newsflash… it’s hard to get pregnant! I told myself if it took less than a year that I should be grateful, but still with every negative test and every arrival of Aunt Flow my heart broke a little. So before I ride off into bloggers sunset with my happy pregnancy post, I want to acknowledge all the people out there who are trying to start their families. It’s one of life’s real miracles; some miracles take time and some don’t happen the way we planned. Whatever your story, my heart goes out to you!
Since pregnancy is often a marathon, not a sprint, I didn’t want to always make a big deal about taking a test. I felt like the anti-climactic ritual would have a negative effect on our morale. So I got home from work, spent some time in the backyard with our dog Joey, then went inside to take a test before Chris came home from work. A few minutes later there was only one fuzzy line, but to my confusion it was the second line that typically indicates a positive pregnancy test. The line on the left, that should appear no matter what the result, didn’t show up. The line on the right that should only appear if the test is positive, was slowly growing darker before my eyes. I panic texted one of my best friends “Where are you and who are you with?”, then sent her a picture of the test and phoned her. We both screamed and amidst those few moments of shock and uncertainty, the left line began to appear. I was pregnant. Chris came home and I gave him a small little linen bag containing my indecisive pregnancy test, and a letter I’d written him (I’m a big letter writer). We were thrilled but to be honest, it didn’t all feel real until we got the blood test results from my doctor.
About a week later, Chris went out of town on the bachelor party for my soon-to-be brother in-law. I always indulge when he goes out of town, so I sat there on my Skip-The-Dishes app contemplating what I should order. I thought about it for hours until eventually I just went to bed without having eaten anything. Little did I know, this was the beginning of the end of my appetite. The next day I was on a field trip with my class, and my teaching partners and I all treated ourselves to a Starbucks. I cradled my cup in pure joy while professing my love for all things Starbucks, took a sip of my beloved soy cardamom latte… and didn’t love it. For the next 13 weeks I struggled to keep anything down, at any time of the day. I would tell Chris something I felt like for dinner and by the time he would make it, I gagged at the thought of it. Bless him. I would promptly run out of the classroom several times a day to be sick. Thank god for my teaching partners, who are the most understanding and considerate group of men. They would constantly check up on me and come by my class on their preps to offer me puke breaks; chivalry is alive and well friends. I got through it by telling myself it was part of the miracle, that I was lucky and had little right to complain. I would sit on the floor of our shower, hot water pouring down on me and meditate, reminding myself that every sensation I was feeling was part of that miracle.
There was a two week window mid-May when it finally subsided and I thought to myself “Phew! Let’s get this party started!” and BOOM… the worst heartburn and indigestion one can image. Prior to pregnancy I had never eaten single Tums and suddenly I was going to bed with a bottle. Even after the smallest snacks I was left feeling like I’d just finished eating Thanksgiving dinner, and the acid reflux would get so bad I would eventually have to vomit. Oh joy! The broken blood vessels on my face must have been a part of that pregnancy glow everyone always talks about. I suffered from horrible sciatic pains due to the ligaments in my hips basically deciding they weren’t going to work under such extreme conditions. I had numbness run down my legs in the middle of the night and would constantly toss and turn, which was a job in itself! Imagine duct taping a 20lb bowling ball to your abdomen and rolling from one side to the other. An ice bath was the only thing was would give my throbbing feet relief after a full work day. Finally, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which for myself was one the most challenging symptoms to stay positive through (see # Beat The Betes blog post).
Alright, there’s the bad and the ugly… ready for the good? Before you stop reading and starting googling surrogacy, let’s talk positives. Despite all those wondrous symptoms, I truly loved being pregnant. Seriously, I miss it! I am genuinely excited at the thought of (hopefully) getting to do it again someday. I remember sitting on the back deck and feeling this flutter in the bottom of my tummy. It felt exactly like my Mom had described; not gassy or bubbly, but like I’d swallowed a little fish. I sat there in awe and didn’t move for fear I’d cause it to stop. I just wanted to keep feeling it. Throughout my pregnancy our baby was a kicker, you could visually see my tummy bounce and towards the end you could clearly make out different limbs. I was fascinated and completely obsessed. I loved waiting in line at the grocery store or being out in public and feeling it, so much that I occasionally still catch myself resting my hands on my tummy. Hearing the heartbeat at our ultrasound would always bring me to tears.
We announced our baby news to our family in the middle of a fake photo shoot. Our dear friend and photographer staged a contest for a Family Photo Session on Instagram and we “won”. Then, in the middle of family photos she told everyone to “Look at Kate and Chris because, they are going to have a baby!” All of their priceless reactions were forever captured and I wouldn’t have it any other way. (Pro tip: hire Yai Photography for everything). For our twenty week ultrasound, we had my two grandmothers (both of which had never seen an ultrasound) and my parents join us, and it was a moment I’ll never forget. We didn’t find out the gender (a choice I would 100% do again) and it seemed to just add to the wonder surrounding this little being.
This photo was taken by the incredible Yaira Estrada-Wagner at Yai Photography
Oddly enough, I’d actually never felt more body positive. Maybe it was because of a whole new respect for my body based on the sheer fact that it was creating life, but also maybe because it erased the constant need to “suck in” when wearing anything with a waistband. Also, as my belly grew it became increasingly more trendy to stop wearing anything with a waistband… hallelujah! I loved dressing my bump and I loved showing it off. My pregnancy timeline landed me in my third trimester for the summer months, and you better believe I let that belly out at the beach! Sitting on the deck at the cottage, belly out in a bikini and sipping a Perrier, I joked that this was my peak physique. Only I wasn’t joking!
In those final few weeks I felt a sadness knowing my time with my bump was coming to an end. This baby that we had imagined was going to have a face and a name, but there would be no more little kicks in line at the grocery store. Through all the symptoms, the highs and lows, Chris and I had been fascinated. I was amazed at what my body had done, and the influence all the positive energy around us had on it. I knew I would forever look back on this time and think it went by too quick. This experience changed me. It challenged me and it pushed me. It forced me to stop, and let the man I love truly take care of me. It made me feel completely weak and superhuman all at once. It put me in a position of awe over what I was capable of as a woman and brought me to the deepest level of self-love.
Mamas… soak it allllll in. The bad, the ugly, but especially the good. I promise, it all goes by too quick!
