ANY DAY NOW
People keep saying it to me with a palpable excitement in the tone of their voice. “Almost at the end! You must be so excited! Any day now!” All positive and all true, I am so close to the end and I am so excited. There’s just one little thing keeping me content in this moment… and it’s you. All the anticipation in the world couldn’t make me wish a day away, I’ve loved having you as the centre of my world, and having all our love belong just to you. It’s a time in my life that I’ll always cherish.
I’m so grateful that you were the one to make me a mother. I often joke that you butt the line; too independent and outgoing for a first born. When the nurse laid you on my chest and you looked up at me for the first time with your eyes wide open, she said “She’s so alert!” and you have been ever since. You’re nothing like what the odds say you should be, having grown up so socially distanced. You run up to the mailman to shout “Hi!” and have full conversations with the cashier at the grocery store. You’re afraid of nothing. Your old soul sense of humour and fascination with learning something new has consumed my attention for the past two years. I worry about what life will be like, not being able to give it all to only you anymore. I worry about having to share myself.
But I see you… in a room full of people, running around and making friends. Showing off and thriving on connection. I see you with cousins and friends. There is so much love inside you and it just pours out. I’m comforted by the fact that I know this new little baby will bring you so much joy and be your very best friend. A place for you to pour all your love. I know you’ll love helping, and taking care of them. I know that so much of why we wanted to grow our family was for you, to surround you with as much love as possible.
The unfortunate circumstances of the world have been a secret blessing to me because it’s kept me with you far longer than I ever would have been. Our time together really is what has allowed me to believe in myself as a mother. And any day now, someone else is going to join us. There were so many things I wanted to get done or get to do before the arrival of our new littlest family member, and as the days have gone by and I’ve checked things off my mental list I’m left with just wanting to soak you in. So with undivided attention, I watch you while you play. I get up, no matter how comfortable I finally am, whenever you ask me to “Come Mama”. I stop and look at you at every red light to watch you sing as you stare out the car window. I insist on carrying you no matter how heavy I feel. I breathe you in so deep in the mornings, and I kiss you extra long each night.
Thank you Lou… for being tangible joy, the greatest love I’ve ever known, and my best friend. I can’t quite imagine how life could be any sweeter than this, but any day now…
