NEWBORN ETIQUETTE
In anticipation of Baby 2.O’s arrival, Chris and I started talking about what we want our first few days and weeks as a family of four to be like. It brought up a lot of memories of things we appreciated that visitors did when Lou was born, and things we’d wished we didn’t have to deal with. Obviously the world looks a lot different since then, and we’ve had to adapt what our approach to visitors is going to be. To be as safe as possible we’re likely keeping our bubble pretty tight and consisting of mostly family, at least in the beginning. It’s a bit of a bummer, but better safe than sorry has never rang more true. Since it’s been a little while, I wanted to hear from other new moms about their do’s and don’ts when it comes to newborn etiquette. I got sooo many responses; some were things I’d never considered and some served as amazing reminders of that time in our lives. Using the input from these moms, I’ve put together a mini cheatsheet for anyone thinking of visiting a newborn. Disclaimer: all your love and excitement and interest in our new babies is beyond appreciated, but even in the best of times it can be a sensitive period for new parents. These are suggestions to help make the visits as safe and enjoyable as possible for everyone involved!
don’t call us, we’ll call you
“Loved when people didn’t pressure us to have them over right away. Give us a minute!”
“Some unnecessary visitors would make me feel so obligated to have them over and at times it was a lot!”
I get it, everyone loves a new baby. I’m guilty of it too and it really is so sweet that you’re so excited to meet our new bundle. I come from a big family and remember barely having enough time in the day to coordinate visits for my close family, let alone friends and coworkers. Translation: don’t be pushy. Especially with the times being what they are, new parents may not want any visitors at all for the first little bit. One morning shortly after we brought Lou home I was putting away laundry and saw one of Chris’s friends sneak up on the porch. They’d dropped off fresh flowers, a bottle of rum for Chris and dog treats for Joey (heart melt). It was so considerate and I absolutely loved that they’d specifically thought of the members of the household getting the least attention in all the baby hype. Either way, we may be overwhelmed with visitors, or we may just want a day all to ourselves to adjust to our new way of life. Often it’s the visits a week or two later that we appreciate the most because they’re less frequent and serve as a nice break in the day. All my girlfriends were so excited to meet Lou, and I was equally as excited to have them over. But they also all prefaced their excitement with “When you’re ready…” or “When you’re up for it…” and it was beyond appreciated.
timing is everything
“Don’t stay too long, an hour or so is perfect!”
“BE ON TIME! I would plan feeding around when someone said they were coming over and if they were late I would stress so much!”
This was definitely the theme of a majority of the responses I got, and it really took me back to my own experiences. A visit itself can be exhausting, and to touch on the previous tip we’ve probably had a lot of them. They don’t need to last forever, with most moms identifying about the one hour mark as being the sweet spot. But the most important element of timing, comes with when you show up. One mom specifically brought up the importance of guests being on time and I was immediately reminded of the stress that would cause me. As new parents our entire world revolves around the needs of this little human, and often visits are very strategically timed to accommodate things like nursing, etc. I remember taking the time to freshen myself up (aka change my diaper) before a visit, and nothing was worse than sitting around, bleeding, watching the clock for your next nursing session and wondering “Where are they?” Stuff comes up, we get it (especially if guests have kids of their own), but a quick text update may help us figure out the next most appropriate time to have our boobs out.
a little something goes a long way
“When my friends brought me a tea! It’s the little things that mean so much when life is busy.”
“My hubby’s family always brought us a homemade meal when they visited!”
So many moms brought up how appreciative they were of guests that either showed up with something, or offered to help with something while they were there. Common suggestions were things like homemade meals, offering to help with a chore, or even taking their dog for a walk. One that I loved was if there is an older sibling, taking the time to play with them too. It doesn’t have to be much! I’m very open about my OCD and genuinely prefer to do my chores myself, no matter how tired I am (just ask Chris). For me, I remember being thrilled with a cup of coffee. The chance to sit and indulge a little in a hot cup of caffeine during visits when I had a few hands-free minutes, helped me feel human again.
leave your opinions at the door
“Careful about sleep and feeding advice, it’s a fragile time.”
“I wanted a visit, not a tutorial!”
Regardless of how well behaved baby was during your visit, or how together Mom appears to have it… it’s still a really vulnerable time and our hormones are flying everywhere, on no sleep. This is (almost) especially true if baby cried the whole visit and mom is looking like a hot mess. Your opinions are only welcome if we’ve asked for them. Likely, we’ve been exhausting ourselves since the moment the baby arrived to do what we think is best for our new little roommate. This goes for all the topics; breastfeeding, sleeping, swaddling, etc. If we seek your advice and ask questions, by all means please share. If not, it’s because we either don’t want it, aren’t up for hearing it during such a sensitive time, or just want to navigate it ourselves as we get to know our baby.
don’t make us ask
“Loved when people came in and washed their hands right away!”
“Wash hands and/or wear a mask if mama says.”
As much as this was true before the pandemic, it’s shocking how many people still don’t take the initiative to be as safe as possible around a new baby. So many moms brought up how much they appreciated the guests that washed their hands without having to be asked to. If you’re feeling (or have recently been) unwell, speak up and don’t show up. And if you don’t know why it matters, educate yourself on RSV in newborns. I assure you that it’s every new parents worst nightmare. Not to mention, the vaccine is a hot topic right now and the last thing a new mom in adult diapers wants to worry about is navigating an awkward social situation. If you’re not double vaccinated, or not comfortable being upfront about your vaccination status… don’t ask to come over. And even if you are and we ask you to wear a mask, please don’t be offended. It puts new parents in a really horrible position when they have to explain to friends and family why they don’t want to expose their new baby to a virus. Maybe it seems unnecessary or over-the-top, but it may just be what we need for peace of mind.
wellness check
“I know the baby is cute, but I’m still here!”
“Check in with your mom friends, it takes a village!”
The moment baby arrives all eyes and attention shift to that sweet little burrito. Can you blame anyone? But sometimes it can be a difficult transition for a formerly pregnant mother. Hormones are high, feelings are fragile, and the reality/risk of postpartum depression is always there. As much as we may not be up for your opinion, almost every mother appreciates being asked how they are feeling. I remember being in Farmboy a few days after giving birth. I left Chris in the car with Lou, it was my first time being physically away from her but I was determined to try and do something independently. A few minutes in and I’d been aggressively cut off by another woman’s shopping cart, dropped a glass jam jar, and started crying. It just really sunk in that I was alone and nobody (to no real fault of their own) cared or was concerned about how vulnerable that made me feel. So if you are knowingly going to visit a new mom, a quick wellness check goes a long way.
absolutely no smooching
“DON’T kiss the baby!”
“Please just admire from a safe distance, nothing is worse than a new baby with a cold.”
This is one of those unwritten rules that existed long before the pandemic, and even then it felt like so many people weren’t aware of it. I know… those cheeks look juicy as hell, but under no circumstance should you kiss them. This goes hand-in-hand with touching of the face and mouth. Besides the concern of them catching a cold or virus (which is reason enough), a big risk is actually cold sores. If a baby under the age of six months contracts the herpes simplex virus responsible for cold sores, they can have severe effects including (but not limited to) fever, poor eating, and even seizures. The bottom line is that they’re brand new to this world and haven’t built up enough immunity for any of that. So when it comes to that precious face, you can look, swoon, admire, and adore… but don’t touch.
