LITTLE GIRL, BIG FEELINGS
I truly felt like we’d dodged this phase, and I may even have been guilty of thinking it was way more nurture-based than nature-based. Nonetheless, I was wrong, we are IN IT. Lou has always been a very strong willed, and sure-of-herself kind of girl. It’s always been very hard to “trick” her into something she doesn’t want to do, and even harder to redirect her attention from something she is determined to do. True story, our entire newborn photoshoot with Andie was laced with lollipop and sour key bribes. So, in hindsight, I really shouldn’t have been so naive. As parents we’re our own worst critics, so whenever your child acts out or their usual routine/behaviour is thrown off, we immediately look at what we’ve done to cause this. Are we putting her to bed early enough? Is she getting enough fibre in her diet? Was there too much screen time this week with all the rain? But after about a week of who are you and what have you done with Lou… it clicked for us. We’re talking toddlers tantrums over not “getting the right ice cube”. It’s kiddie stuff really, but it’s still exhausting when you’re in it.
I hate the term “terrible twos” because even though those moments are terrible, and exhausting, and upsetting… but it’s such a negative way to acknowledge a necessary part of their development. They are feeling big feelings; their little minds can absorb and feel way more than they can or know how to process and express. It’s frustrating. It’s frustrating as a parent, and I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for a child who has no clue themselves what’s going on.
I have no problem with telling my child “no”. I believe in consequences for actions, and I believe in boundary-based discipline. Even though sometimes it feels like absolute shit, it’s our job as parents to teach them right from wrong. The thing is… none of it was working. It got harder to deal with and my approach became lazy and less effective. I’d be very stern and serious, I’d take away the toy, I’d even eventually yell and it did not work. The only thing that seemed to come out of it was that I was left feeling completely guilty, and awful, and entirely unsuccessful (aka a failure). The behaviour consumed my day and by the end of it we’d gotten no where together. Also, there is the obvious fact that I love my child, but feeling like I didn’t recognize the child she was acting like, completely broke my heart and exhausted me emotionally.
One thing I kept reading about is how closely this phase is tied to their development, particularly in how they learn to process and express emotion. So (probably the most difficult part) the best, healthiest, and most effective way to correct the behaviour… is to bite your tongue and breathe. Woooosahhhh. Let me tell you with absolute certainty, that no one knows self-control and patience better than a stressed out, exhausted, burnt out parent calmly telling their screaming child to take big breaths. Trust me kid, we want to scream too. Bonus points if you happen to also have another child simultaneously crying because they’re tired/hungry/etc. It’s the trenches of parenthood, without a doubt. Sleepless nights suck, booboos and sniffles hurt your heart, but this is where parenting really starts challenging you.
The fact that our usual approach to discipline suddenly wasn’t working, is what signalled to me that this was more than just a rough day. Along with that, came the awareness of how important this time period was to her development, and it really gave us a second wind as parents to pay attention to what she’s paying attention to. If she pushes back and we react to stress and opposition with anxious and frustrated behaviour, she in turn learns to cope with her big feelings in that way. And it was true, the days I let my stress get the better of me, were by far the most challenging days. It’s not easy to take your ego out of it; you know every single thing about this child, but all of a sudden you don’t know what to do. So something has to change because they are changing. We had to reassess and adapt based on what our child’s behaviour was telling us. For the benefit of their development, and quite honestly for our own sanity.
She is always watching us. So we needed to set aside our stress/exhaustion/frustration, and model the behaviour that we wanted to see from her. Don’t get me wrong, sitting and taking big breaths with a screeching owl is the long game and it’s not easy (or pleasant). But at the end of it when she starts taking her own big breaths, and her screaming slowly subsides into a cry before softly landing at a sniffly breath, and she comes in for a hug… you feel like you’ve done so right by them. You hug them so tight and finally get to do the thing you’ve been trying to do all along… make it better.
It’s our job as parents to guide, and discipline, and teach our children. But along with our love for them comes this deep desire to be their comfort, and their safe place. This adjustment has allowed us to get back to being both of those things for Lou. Removing our ego in the times of change and growth of our children, gives us space to reevaluate our approach to meeting their needs.
It’s also important to note that Lou is a very well-behaved little girl. The fierceness of her determination, goes hand-in-hand with how strong she loves. Her nature is an incredibly kind, gentle and loving child, and has only ever been the sweetest to her baby sister. I was hesitant to post this because I in no way want it interpreted otherwise, it’s just a transition that every child and parent go through. She still challenges us. Every kid does. We will still have tough days, we will have to adjust our approach again, and we will still occasionally have to bribe her with a lollipop. Every parent does. Not to mention, Andie may need an entirely different approach altogether. But our first introduction to toddler autonomy taught us that we need to stay open to continuing to learn how to be our childrens parents. At one point Chris pointed out “we’ve never done this before”, and he was so right. Each day and each change is a new day on the job. It’s not important for us to be perfect, it’s just important that we love them through every change. And my god do we love her.
