ODE TO A DADDY
I can’t imagine what it must be like, being on the outside of that experience. Some cosmic thing happens inside a woman and life grows inside of her, she feels it. I can’t imagine what it must be like knowing that life, that’s half of you, is there… just out of reach. And you just have to wait.
You rush around on errand runs for food cravings and propping pillows under swollen feet. You sit in doctors appointments and build baby furniture. You do all the things a Dad is supposed to do, but mostly you just have to wait.
I’m sure it’s different for every Dad, the moment when they feel that connection. Maybe it’s right away, or the first time you hear the heartbeat. Maybe it’s when you feel that first kick, so strong that it tickles the palm of your hand. That awakening moment when it hits you, that you’re a father and that is your baby.
I don’t know for sure, but for you I felt like it was the moment you held her. You had tears in your eyes and were almost out of breath with adrenaline, speechless at the realness of her. There is this crazy bond between you two; it’s in her eyes when she sees you, and in how you still kiss her fingertips the way you did that night.
Life doesn’t always design it so it’s easy for Dads. All that extra time we mothers get to spend learning our baby, makes it seem like we know everything and everything comes easy to us. But that connection you make never leaves, that moment it all clicked in your universe and you felt fatherhood flood your heart. It’s the reason you rush home everyday, the reason she’s the first person you go to. She draws you in because she feels it too, she knows you’re her Daddy.
I always say I’m not the best feminist, because deep down I’m a bit of a traditionalist. I find it charming that you are our protector, our provider, our superhero. I remember one blizzardy day we got a flat tire, and as we pulled into the nearest parking lot I called my Dad. You didn’t get why, or how calling him could be of any help. But that’s just what daughters do, because that’s what Dad’s are for. There always there when you need them; problem solvers, experts at everything, Mr. Fix-It. The guy you can never trust to stay awake for an entire movie, but you can always count on to give you directions off the top of his head. Even though my Dad may have never changed a tire before, just talking to him about how to change it would have made it all make more sense. But you refused, your stubborn ego told me you knew what you were doing, “you’ve done this before” and you didn’t need any help. You lied. You’d never done it before and you misplaced the jack and bent the frame of my car. Even then, I was charmed. Because I knew what that meant. I knew that down the road when your child calls you to fix something, even if you have no idea what you’re talking about, just talking to you will make it better. I knew you were going to be an amazing father.
For now I’m content to sit back and soak it in. Be charmed by you being a new Dad. Watch you make bath time the bubbliest, and silly faces to get her to laugh the hardest. You’re always going to be her superhero, and the beginning of your epic love story has been a beautiful thing to witness.
