THIS TINY HAND

The other night, you cried out in your sleep. It was over something simple; a nightmare, a growing pain. I jumped up and rushed to you. I’d been wide awake, I just don’t sleep lately. I took the first opportunity to go to you, crawl beside you, and wrap my arms around you.

I don’t think there is any sensation that gives a parent a greater purpose, than going to their child when they need them and telling them “It’s okay, I’m here.” From the moment they arrive in this world, it is the most fulfilling thing that you can do, and I don’t imagine that ever goes away.

But tonight, amidst the snuggle, your tiny hand clutched my forefinger and suddenly it all can flooding back. This little hand, this hand, is the same hand that spent hours resting on my chest. You’d always hold onto my thumb while you nursed, and it felt like we fit together so perfectly. You were born with it up by your cheek, like you were waving “hello” at me. It’s the hand you used to smear puréed pear all over your face, and the hand you used to pick up cheerios one at a time. I held onto it when you took your first steps, and while you waded in the water at the beach. It’s the hand I’ve washed, wiped, kissed for boo-boos. The hand I hold while we’re dancing, and the one I use to twirl you. It’s the same curious little hand that would dig in sand, splash in the bathtub, and cover your eyes during peek-a-boo. The same hand that would help me turn the pages of your bedtime stories, and search your crib in the middle of the night for a nearby pacifier. It’s the hand that always sneaks a chipit whenever we bake cookies, and opens presents on Christmas morning, and picks up bunny every single night before you crawl into bed.

Now… I’m going to hold this tiny little hand as we walk up the street and down the path to your first day of school. And then somehow, somehow, I’m going to let go.

You’re going to be amazing. Those tiny hands are going to learn to do so many more incredible things. You’ll read, and write, and play, and hold the hands of new friends. You’ll explore in the yard, get them messy during art, build snowmen, and give high fives. It’s going to be amazing.

You’re about to start your journey and go a little more out into the world and it’s so selfish, but I don’t want to let go. I want to keep you. This hand has always held onto me for guidance, comfort and reassurance, and now I’m the one that’s full of fear. I don’t want to hold you back and I don’t want you to miss anything. I want you to have a perfect life. But, my heart just wants to keep you, and to keep holding this tiny hand in mine.

I love you in every corner of my heart. You are magic, and I know it’s time for the rest of the world to see it. I know that I have to let go. So continue to flourish, but while you go off into the world just know that everything’s okay… I’m here. My heart exists in the palm of your tiny hand, and here I’ll stay, always.